Mindfulness and Reactions

When we discuss “mindfulness” it may sound like an abstract concept that is nice in theory but difficult to implement in practice. But it doesn’t need to be something difficult, complicated, or mysterious. You can practice mindfulness in very specific and targeted ways to change your experience and behavior.

An example would be to understand your state-of-mind before an interaction with another person occurs to help temper your response. More specifically, what is your mood, what are your expectations, how are you likely to interpret words or behaviors?

I bring this up because on numerous occasions over the past few weeks when working on communication and relationship skills, I’ve needed to create a simple starting point. The solution I’ve used is for each individual to concentrate on how to affect change within their own sphere of influence, and not expect to control or force change in others. In other words, take ownership of your reactions before you worry about others changing their actions.

Oh sure, I understand that relationships are two-way streets. At some point people need to see some mutual change and effort. How the other person behaves or acts is important. But believe me, making your change contingent or dependent on the other person changing first, or at least simultaneously, means nothing will change! It will never happen!

And this is where “mindfulness” comes in. For example, if you are in a bad mood, feeling cranky, or still remembering something you are upset about with a friend or partner, then you are more likely to interpret anything they do as somehow an affront to you. But can it really be true that the other person’s behavior, mannerisms, mood, etc., are meant as an affront or attack on you? Every time? Really?!!

You can be mindful that something the other person does bothers you. For instance, let’s say the other person involved seems to obsess about an issue, like being on time for everything. You may feel like that person is just “nagging” you to hurry up. Asking “are you ready yet?” all of the time. If you get angry, what are you really angry about? Is it really worth a fight, as if he or she does this just to attack you or make you miserable? What does the conflict do to the relationship?

Using mindfulness means that although you can acknowledge that you find the other’s behavior annoying or irritating, you can also acknowledge that she or he may just be distressed at the thought of being late. Perhaps they feel embarrassed when late. That has very little if anything to do with you. It’s just the way he or she feels, and wants to avoid feeling that way. So before reacting, take a deep breath, or a moment to gather your thoughts. The other person can’t just stop feeling stress about “being on time.” That is a part of their makeup and personality. But you can, by being mindful, change your response. Learn to slow down, consider alternate reasons and motivations for the other’s behavior (e.g., maybe they don’t mean to nag).

Less needless conflict means less stress and tension (for both of you). A less tense environment means the other person may be able to relax and not obsess as much about being on time. Now that’s a win-win situation.

Mark E. Hankla