Shame and Behavior

Shame and Behavior

Of all of the influences on behavior, shame may be one of the least understood. Shame influences and warps behavior in multiple ways. This includes behaviors such as isolating and avoidance, and often leads to behaviors that make things worse. For example, a person who is consumed by shame may try to avoid people or activities that remind them of what they feel ashamed of. It may also result in deception, or lying about the issue to avoid having to face it.

One can easily see how such behavior can cause further issues, effectively digging a deeper hole for the person who already feels ashamed. We see it often in therapy, both as a personal issue and as a source of frustration or anger when interacting with others who are affected by shame. For instance, I often hear parents expressing anger at their children who “lie” or “fib” as though the child is doing so just to be deviant or defiant of them, and they take it personally. But many times when the child is questioned about the behavior, it becomes evident that the deception is due to a desire to not disappoint the parent, which is the opposite of how the parent perceives it. An example might be when a child “lies” about not having homework or says it is already done even when it is not. It might be that the child just doesn’t want to do the work and is trying to get out of it. But it also possible that the child is ashamed that she or he didn’t get the work done already, or doesn’t understand it, or is afraid they won’t do it well enough. Either way the behavior is an issue that needs to be addressed. However, to address the behavior effectively it is important to understand the etiology of the behavior.

People feeling shame tend to avoid others, hiding their activities, avoid eye contact, and are quieter than usual. People feeling proud or happy tend to share their experiences or triumphs, feel more confident around others, and tend to look directly at others while maintaining eye contact. These are markers or indicators that you can use to monitor your own, or other’s, level of shame and vulnerability. If you notice your behavior is indicative of feeling shame, it may be time to discuss your feelings with a trusted friend or with a professional to help you relieve the distress, and help you improve your confidence and self-esteem. Shame can be dealt with so it does not negatively affect behavior.

Mark E. Hankla