I Don't Know What To Say

“I Don’t Know What to Say”

The people closest to a traumatized individual—partners, family members, friends—often tell us that they don’t have any idea what to do or say in response to trauma disorder symptoms. It may help readers in that difficult position to begin with a review of common well-intentioned statements that are not helpful. These are some things that we encourage you not to say:

“That was in the past. You’re OK now.” It’s just not true. The traumatic event may be long over but the essence of a trauma disorder is that the effects of the event last far into the future. You would not tell someone with a broken leg that he is “OK now,” since the auto accident in which he was hurt happened in the past. Likewise, the damage done by exposure to psychological trauma takes a long time, and much work, to heal.

“You’ve got to let go of the past and get on with your life.” People with trauma disorders are not holding onto the past. The past is holding on to them—often with a suffocating grip. The traumatized individual usually wants desperately to get on with her life and is working as hard as she can to do just that.

“Try not to think about it.” Among the symptoms of trauma disorders are intense attempts to avoid any reminders of the traumatic event. While understandable, this tends to make trauma symptoms worse. It’s not thinking about the past that is the problem, it’s not being able to think about traumatic experiences in a full beginning-to-end way.

So…..when you want to help and don’t know what to say, replace giving advice with giving support. Saying “I’m sorry you are feeling rotten. Is there anything I can do to help?” can mean a lot.

Sherry Cox