Relationships and Trust
“I can’t trust anymore”
A very common issue discussed in therapy is a feeling that “trust” is forever broken and therefore its impossible to have fruitful and rewarding relationships. After betrayal and deceit, most people would understand at least a temporary pulling back of trusting feelings and the need for more verification and reassurance in interpersonal relationships. But for some people, trusting is such an internal battle and causes such distress they have difficulty maintaining relationships. An enduring lack of trust erodes the basis of a relationship, and can lead to behaviors (e.g., controlling, jealousy, accusations, stalking) that can end relationships outright.
Psychologist Dr. William R. Stone once defined trust as “the ability to predict how someone is going to act.” In healthy situations, confidence in predicting another’s behavior is most often correlated to the length of time that person has been known and her or his behavior observed. There are real criteria and guidelines we can use to gauge the reasonableness of the trust we put in others. But “predicting how someone is going to act” is an imperfect science and there is always some risk involved. Unfortunately people regularly hurt one another, and betrayal of trust is often identified as the most damaging part of the hurtful act.
There is more to feelings of trust and distrust than how one person feels about another. Some people direct their feelings of distrust toward the individual or individuals who they feel betrayed them. Some react by becoming suspicious of practically everyone and develop a very dark and malevolent world view. Still others direct their feelings of distrust inward as they doubt their ability to discriminate between trustworthy and deceitful people, effectively blaming themselves. Perhaps not surprisingly, some people report all of the above as their reasons for not trusting, which usually is accompanied with very high levels of emotional distress.
So what can a person do if they if they feel they cannot trust? First of all, think of feelings of distrust as anxiety toward allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Emotions are internal messengers and the discomfort of anxiety is like a dashboard warning light. Would you stop driving altogether if a warning light came on? Probably not. A responsible driver would take steps to find out why the light was on and attend to the problem, which would result in the light switching back off. Then you could resume driving normally.
Deciding not to trust at all may reduce the anxiety (at least temporarily), but it would prevent good relationships from forming. So like the driver, acknowledging the internal warning and attending to your needs is the place to start. And where is it written that you are supposed to trust without question, or that different levels of trust are not appropriate? Listen to the anxiety, take into account why it is there, and make an informed decision about how much trust you are willing to give someone. Coping with anxiety does not mean dismissing it or its message, so healthy coping does not mean that you have to put yourself at risk. Talk to trusted friends to get others’ perspectives on trusting in similar situations. High anxiety may indicate you have trauma experiences that you need professional help to resolve. Talking out your deepest fears can help you gain a healthier perspective, and who knows, maybe you can start to trust again!
Mark E. Hankla
“I can’t trust anymore”
A very common issue discussed in therapy is a feeling that “trust” is forever broken and therefore its impossible to have fruitful and rewarding relationships. After betrayal and deceit, most people would understand at least a temporary pulling back of trusting feelings and the need for more verification and reassurance in interpersonal relationships. But for some people, trusting is such an internal battle and causes such distress they have difficulty maintaining relationships. An enduring lack of trust erodes the basis of a relationship, and can lead to behaviors (e.g., controlling, jealousy, accusations, stalking) that can end relationships outright.
Psychologist Dr. William R. Stone once defined trust as “the ability to predict how someone is going to act.” In healthy situations, confidence in predicting another’s behavior is most often correlated to the length of time that person has been known and her or his behavior observed. There are real criteria and guidelines we can use to gauge the reasonableness of the trust we put in others. But “predicting how someone is going to act” is an imperfect science and there is always some risk involved. Unfortunately people regularly hurt one another, and betrayal of trust is often identified as the most damaging part of the hurtful act.
There is more to feelings of trust and distrust than how one person feels about another. Some people direct their feelings of distrust toward the individual or individuals who they feel betrayed them. Some react by becoming suspicious of practically everyone and develop a very dark and malevolent world view. Still others direct their feelings of distrust inward as they doubt their ability to discriminate between trustworthy and deceitful people, effectively blaming themselves. Perhaps not surprisingly, some people report all of the above as their reasons for not trusting, which usually is accompanied with very high levels of emotional distress.
So what can a person do if they if they feel they cannot trust? First of all, think of feelings of distrust as anxiety toward allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Emotions are internal messengers and the discomfort of anxiety is like a dashboard warning light. Would you stop driving altogether if a warning light came on? Probably not. A responsible driver would take steps to find out why the light was on and attend to the problem, which would result in the light switching back off. Then you could resume driving normally.
Deciding not to trust at all may reduce the anxiety (at least temporarily), but it would prevent good relationships from forming. So like the driver, acknowledging the internal warning and attending to your needs is the place to start. And where is it written that you are supposed to trust without question, or that different levels of trust are not appropriate? Listen to the anxiety, take into account why it is there, and make an informed decision about how much trust you are willing to give someone. Coping with anxiety does not mean dismissing it or its message, so healthy coping does not mean that you have to put yourself at risk. Talk to trusted friends to get others’ perspectives on trusting in similar situations. High anxiety may indicate you have trauma experiences that you need professional help to resolve. Talking out your deepest fears can help you gain a healthier perspective, and who knows, maybe you can start to trust again!
Mark E. Hankla
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