More About Validation

 

One of the factors contributing to the development of borderline personality is living in an invalidating environment during childhood.   Growing up in a home where you are told what you think and feel rather than being allowed to think and feel for yourself.  An all too common example is “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” You can probably think of other parental statements that communicate that what the child experiences is unacceptable.  These have the effect of undermining a child’s ability identify what they do think, feel, want, fear.   This can create big problems that last into adulthood. 

The alternative is a validating parenting approach in which the child is told “I know that you want that”, I understand that you don’t want to go to bed”, “I can see that you feel sad”, “that makes you angry”.  This does not mean that you agree with the child or allow the child to do harmful things.  It does not impair your ability to discipline or direct.  It does communicate to the child that she is heard and that she is a person who has feelings, wants and preferences.  This is essential learning for children.

Bill

Mindfulness and Marines

 

On Sunday I read an article in the local newspaper that described mindfullness experiments that are being conducted by the Marine Corps.  A goal is understanding the differences in stress responses between groups of Marines trained in mindfulness techniques and those of a control group not trained in the techniques.  The article also addressed the misunderstanding that mindfulness training includes a religious element.  This mistaken belief has kept some people from learning this valuable information.

I have been very impressed with the usefulness of mindfulness in psychotherapy since learning about Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) many years ago.  The work of Jon Kabat-Zinn in researching mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts Medical School has also been important.    I recommend his books, especially Coming To Our Senses.    

Bill