Coping or Curing?

Coping or Curing?

Being mindful requires that we be realistic and honest with ourselves and others. This is important because people who are facing difficulties such as grieving or anxiety tend to construct contingencies (I often think of them as “alternate realities”) by which they seek to eliminate the source of their distress before they move forward with their life, goals, etc. It’s a sort of “if, then” scenario which they seemingly demand or expect be satisfied before they will return to normal existence. We also refer to it as “bargaining” because it’s as though the situation can be changed for the better if only we can promise something enticing enough for fate to change the outcome.

An often heard comment from many of the people I see in therapy goes something like this: “I feel like I’m being told to just get over it and get back to (work, school, the task at hand, etc.).” In this scenario, it appears that people are waiting for their distress to disappear before they reengage in activities that they find difficult due to their distress. Around and around it goes, because which will happen first? Will they return to normal activities, or will the distress disappear? That is a question that they are unable to answer satisfactorily.

They are often angry, sometimes not so much because they are being asked to fulfill their obligations or duties, but because they believe they are being told to “get rid of” their distress first. This is where I am quick to jump in and totally agree with them. They cannot just get rid of their distress, and it would be totally unrealistic to expect such a thing. But, and this is the tricky part, that does not mean that they can’t still function. The right question to ask is: how does a person learn to cope with distress while fulfilling other obligations? Coping with an issue is NOT the same as resolving an issue. Coping can buy time during which someone can work on resolving the source of their distress, and in the mean time still function at a high level. While it is normal and understandable that people engage in bargaining and contingencies before moving on, ultimately the bargains will not be fulfilled and history will not be rewritten. While the love and support of friends and family can be invaluable, you may sometimes find that you need the help of a professional who understands the subtleties between coping and being cured. Make sure you get the kind of assistance that helps you truly move forward.

Mark E. Hankla