The Unappreciated Helper

The “Unappreciated Helper”

Traumatized families facing significant daily stress too often find themselves torn apart and living with such conflict and acrimony that their relationships are forever damaged. It is certainly true that living with stress challenges and tests patience, lowers frustration tolerance, leads to ‘frayed nerves,” and irritability. However, those are not always the most toxic components of stress on relationships.

What I am referring to is one of the most frustrating and perhaps paradoxical issues I see occurring in highly stressed, traumatized families. The interaction usually follows something close to this pattern: One family member vents to another his or her feelings of anger, frustration, fear, or some other seemingly unacceptable emotional state over situation ‘X.’ The second family member, usually with the intention of “helping,” gives advice on how to fix or at least change the situation. The two then find themselves in an argument or fight which can leave them both feeling hurt, and sometimes bewildered at what just took place.

What happens is a complex interaction comprising of miscommunication, differing agendas, and an inability to tolerate distress in a loved one. Caring people normally would like to erase the suffering or distress suffered by the people they care about most. However, the person who is venting often is looking primarily only for someone to vent to, not someone to “fix” the problem.

When needing someone to listen but getting “help” instead, it can lead to frustration or feeling invalidated and belittled, as if they could not be expected come up with those ideas on their own. When listening to a loved one in distress, it can lead to frustration when “helpful” suggestions are met with anger and resentment. I often hear the refrain, “Why did you talk to me about it if you didn’t want my help in the first place?” Thus the “unappreciated helper.” Wanting to help is great and doing what we can for loved ones is natural. But knowing when to help, when to listen, and learning to tolerate distress in your loved one while you figure out the difference is key to your success.

Mark E. Hankla